May 25, 2008
Many people would have found me irritating by now. Always ranting, always whinning about how meaningless life is. But life ought to be filled with questions, and the search for enlightenment and knowledge. If I don't do that, how am I going to find what I am looking for, or how am I going to discover what is necessary in my life? I am not going to remain complacent or satisfied with what I have now, because we all are evolving creatures - ever changing, and never stop growing. To hinder growth and development, is to invite tragedy. Life should be free, autonomous, and opened to various ideas and perceptions.
So far, I have made many comments regarding religion, faith, and the supernatural. I have went hard against them and sounded very biased towards irrational and dogmatic beliefs. I realised now that my true hatred was not entirely towards religion as a spiritual concept. Rather, I realised that it is the dogmatic essense of religion that I have big problem with. Instead, I am all for spirituality.
I have spoken to a classmate of mine regarding religion and finding one's sense of spiritual fulfilment. After conversing for some time, I came to a conclusion about what I really expect to get out of my search for truth and fulfilment. I have come up with a few criteria of what is lacking in my life:
1) Spirituality within a religion - If I can find spirituality within a religion, that is, if growth and development can be nurtured if I give my faith to a particular belief, I would consider being a member of that group.
2) Love and acceptance - Everyone is looking for that and I can't deny that I lack love and acceptance, especially from the people outside my house (excluding my girlfriend). People just don't care nowadays, and the atmosphere seems apathetic and cold. I am getting used to it.. more like being sick of it. I long for a group of friends that truly accept me for the way I am and would not judge me no matter what. I did not get this in return for joining a church in the past, because wherever I go, I don't feel appreciated, needed, accepted, or of any significant service to anybody. In everything, I did my best to contribute whatever I can, but all I need is a simple appreciation and non-judgemental attitude from believers.
3)Freedom from dogma and the responsibility to make decisions that will bring about growth and change in my own life - I am all for spiritual growth. I am very against dogmatic or scriptural instructions or commandments. I feel that commandments and scriptural texts are not as helpful as experiencing the real stuff in the world. This is not because I am blespheming against the "Spirit", but I think that to be able to encounter peak experience during the process of self-actualisation is the best freedom one can get from spiritual growth. Being spiritual, in my opinion, is not being religious. Spirituality is never the same as dogmaticism. Spirituality is rational, tolerant, and healthy. Religion and dogmas are irrational, intolerant, and psychotic. There are many things that I disagree in the bible, just as there are many values I disagree in the secular world. Life is not merely a comparison between reason and faith. But how one make sense of logic, reason, and rationality, as well as faith, hope, and spirituality.
There are many reasons, now that I am enlightened, why I am strongly against the idea of dogmaticism.
#1: Dogmaticism is putting authority over a single truth. It is the perspective of taking reality to be only in terms of black and white. In life, that is never the case. Grey areas like ammorality or neutrality still exist nonetheless. One cannot say that certain ideas are completely true, nor can anyone testify that certain ideas are completely false. There are percentage of rightness as well as there are some probability of falsity. I do not give God all the credit that He is the ultimate creator because whether He did create the earth or not, it is not up to me to say it like I know it all. I don't know. Even if the bible were to mention it, I still do not know. Because to take everything literally from the scripture is foolish. Yet, not taking literally everything from the holy book, is puzzling to almost anybody including me. Therefore, it is very hard for me to believe. However, if there is one thing I totally agree with the practice of a certain faith, that is spirituality - a notion that one doesn't stop growing and maturing till ripe old age.
#2: Dogmas hinder growth, maturity, and wisdom. Being too "by the book" is a dangerous affair. I can tell you just why this is so. Dogma doesn't open anyone up to reasonable ideas of what life is like. Life is meant to be experienced, lived, enjoyed, and fulfilled. Dogmas forbid one to try new things as if the consequence is sin, sin, and more sins... to be blamed on the culprit who is simply trying to experience the variety of options given to him or her in life. Everyone ought to find meaning in life and to create their sense of being... to find out who they really are, to identify themselves not as "Soldiers of God", but as REAL men and women, who fight the great fight and finish the race as courageous individuals. This has to be done not because of heaven's reward, but because the best is yet to be. Life-long learning should be embraced, instead of preparation for death and the afterlife. Death should not be life's goal, but it should be one's awareness. By being aware that life is indeed short, thus, the need for great things to be done here on earth.
#3: Dogmas can turn into fundamentalism any time. People will have the tendency of being foolish and using dogmas to justify their folly. Picking and choosing the verses within the bible or holy scriptures is an example of justify one's act because such and such a verse says so. I don't believe in complete reliance on the scriptures, but spirituality involves seeking revelations and inner peace. If an individual is not calm on the inside of him or herself, he or she can never attain any revelations or spiritual guidance. At least, I recall just how revelations work. Fundamentalism is dangerous because it is a process when people start to take the verses in the holy scriptures out of context. I hate to depend solely on scriptures and if I have the choice of depending on dogmas and experiencing what life is all about, I would choose the latter. If I were to have children in future, I would tell them to seek meaning in life on their own, instead of depending upon what the dogmas say. This is because we can be morally good even without dogmatic guidance. Where do we get our morals from? Well, I am not going to answer this question, because there are many sources where we can get our morals from, including spirituality.
I have expressed my hatred for dogma and a constant despice of religiosity and ritualism. I have finally come to my sense that spirituality is still something important to human existence. We live with imagination, and with such ability to imagine, we are then able to draw our relations to something external - somethig out of time, and out of matter. Something out of the extraordinary... that is what we deem as God. But if I were to tell you who God really is, I would be God myself, which, unfortunately, I am not.
I hope I have clarified my stand. I am not a atheist, just in case some of you may suspect me of being one. I am not a staunch believer because I don't believe in giving a hundred percent certainty to what is happening in this world. The sun may rise tomorrow as everyone expect, but we still ought to give 1 percent of doubt that the sun may not rise tomorrow, or perhaps tomorrow might not even arrive. I am agnostic in many ways, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. Because I know that I need spiritual guidance too. Sounds silly for me to say this right now... but, people do change. Some change because of circumstances, some change because they are forced to change, but some change because they have found what they are looking for.
I change, because I am human. Because, I have the most precious gift that perhaps not many would have... I have someone who loves me a lot and never fails to be patient with my doubts. I never fail to ask questions - bright questions, silly questions, redundant questions, and life questions alike. But all she did was listen. The answer I wanted is not meant for her to tell me... but she has shown me what and how it means to love. I am not a perfect candidate for loving anybody, because this flaw of mine, is that I lack love and acceptance. Thus, thinking that everyone is probably having issues with me, I strolled on in life disillusioned, confused, and lost. I think life is REALLY meaningless, but yet, I saw meaning in her eyes, and in other's too. I wonder what was it, and I couldn't figure out. I was too scared to face reality sometimes, knowing that it hurts to see myself as rejected, unappreciated, and beyond salvation. I don't expect the almighty God to show His love through people. I don't even look forward for people to do good things to me because God commanded them to. All I'm looking for, is that somebody who has made the effort to be unconditionally accepting without being too judgemental. The "will to love", the "will to give", and the "will to significance". No one has done it other than her. And I think, I have found my peace now.
Darling, you don't need to feel discouraged because you didn't 'reach out' to many people. The people don't need you to tell them about your religion or whatever you know or have been taught. People are not interested in evangelists. People are interested in finding acceptance. I am against the idea of evangelism because of this. Evangelism isn't that effective anymore as compared to the time of Jesus who lived in a different society than the way our society is right now. Our society is now made up of people who lack attention, lack love, lack acceptance, and many more. There are so many things lacking in contemporary lives today and I just couldn't bring myself to mention all of them here. However, I am grateful to have found someone like you who have been with me through my ups and downs. Of all people in my life, you are the only one who has made the difference. Thank you for your love.
I've never stopped thinking things through, reflecting on my core values, and analysing my life over and over... because life is not about holding on so strongly to your beliefs. Life is about finding the truth. YOUR truth.
