December 16, 2007
Treachery.. my feelings have betrayed me. I was shocked as well, that I could not control my fury last night when I was hiring a cab. It was, however, a long and frustrating day for me as things did not went according to my plans.
Sean called me early in the morning and asked if I would like to watch a movie with my darling. I responded with approval and there, I started planning the day. I checked out the various cinemas and found one that has some seats available. Feeling joyful, I took a ride down but realised that most seats were taken up. Without a thought, I asked if NETS was accepted.. No, it's not. So, I had to go withdraw some cash and I thought by the time I return, the seats would have all been taken up. I was very mad at this. THINGS JUST DON'T GO ACCORDING TO MY PLANS! So, my plan for the day has failed.. and then, I was confused and had to start planning for another event.
I don't think anybody seemed to understand how I really felt at that time because I was all alone. In addition to that fact, I felt really disturbed that my plan failed and I thought I could not even plan properly. Quite ashamed actually.. I tried controlling myself for the day even when talking to my girlfriend and trying to discuss our next plan... I was already feeling frustrated by then. I hate last minute changes, but at that moment.. I had to make some last minute change, which is NEVER my nature nor in my principle.
Later, as I bought the tickets from another cinema, I lost one of them while taking my phone out from my pocket (I hate those god damn jeans pockets). Feeling desperate and anxious, I went all the way back to the place I last been and eagerly searched for the missing ticket. Fortunately, I found it. What a day!
All these made me really wonder if I did wake up on the right side of bed then. I had to repress my anger and frustration for the rest of the day... but at the end of it, I couldn't take it any more.
You see, I hate the fact that I'm just so inflexible. I'm a planner, but yet, I got so confused and messed up for a while whenever my plans failed. Also, I don't like to inform others at the spur of the moment when things change... and yet, I had to when circumstances took the turn, and I hate responding opposite of the principles I value. Simply put, I'm a straightforward person, sometimes, to the point of verbal brutality. It's hard for me to not be myself, for I too dislike being pretentious and insincere to others. Hence, to all my friends, who are really my friends, would begin to understand how I was feeling, and why was I feeling exactly the way I was.
I agree with my dad. It's hard to make friends if I can't control my fury. But yet again, if a friend could simply understand how I felt, wouldn't he or she just not be a friend? Perhaps, he or she could be my true friend...?
To my dad, friends are hard to find. He thinks that there is no such thing as a friend in this world. But unlike him, I think that friends are everywhere... but the ones that are true with their feelings to me, sincere and yet understanding, are not just my friends... they are my brothers and sisters.
I have to admit, it has been close to 6 years since I last blew my top and lost my mind. Never will I lose my mind again...
... I hate to fear, but had some.
... I love to be courageous, but yet fear insensitivity.
and the cycles goes on...
I wish there are anger management classes in town where I could participate in, really. Life gets more pressurizing - Prices are now increasing, and the government are enjoying themselves on their throne, fucking themselves while the people are trying to make ends meet - sometimes, I felt that if I don't release my suppressed frustrations, and other desires I know could never happen, I would die a slow and emotionally painful death... if that's what the government wants. I don't like to blame anyone, but I just feel that the government should be blamed for everything... because firstly, in Singapore, the people fear the government, not the other way round. That's the sucky part of living here. The government doesn't change... so do the people.
I'm basically frustrated with so many things, but I am trying my very best to keep these screwed up events suppressed within me, while biting the baton and move on in this competitive life. I hate the fact when someone comes in the way and screw things up further for me. That will get me really furious. As a city dweller, we are all impatient sort... what is missing, is that little enjoyment or reward that we get at the end of the day... which is so hard to get, when one has to work over time to make ends meet. Now you know why I detest the government.
Alright, my ranting is over. I shall be sane again and do whatever I'm suppose to do.
