September 12, 2007
I have so much to write about, and yet so disorganized in my thoughts right now. I want to write some entries filled with critical thoughts, but yet my current mood doesn't seem to be suitable for that at this moment. All I know for sure, is that right now, I'm experiencing some mood swings (
P.S. guys do have mood swings too). These days I have been crazily busy, not only with my school assignments, or presentation, but catching up with my friends as well. Of course, I do spend time with my girlfriend.
Right now, I just ain't got the mood for debates, reasoning, or critical thoughts. My mind is sort of... dead right now, as I am beginning to ponder about my time I spend with my love ones. I asked myself if I ever loved anyone before in my life. Of course, I had, and I have. But when I asked myself who is the one I love right now, I can't think of anyone else except my current girlfriend. To me, she is the greatest lady I have ever met in my life. Although, like anybody else, she is not perfect, I still do love her. Not because of anything she has done for me; not because she has the cutest pair of eyes and the most gorgeous looking face on earth...
... but because of who she is. And the way she loves me is something that I couldn't ever ask for more. That, to me, is enough.
Sometimes, I feel that some people do not really understand me. It's not because I have never opened myself up to them. Perhaps, I have been unknowingly portraying my authoritative or proud front that many tend to be mis-led by them. Or maybe, I do not smile often. Sometimes, I wish I could just find somebody to talk to - someone who listens to my thoughts, my reasoning, my opinions, and my ambitions. I am willing to be a listener to my friends, but who would bother to listen to me when I'm in need? I am willing to be there for my friends, but do they know my heart? And would they be there for me when I fall as well? My heart bleeds till this day, because no one understands the condition of my heart. All they see about me... is someone aggressive, ruthless, defensive, and at times, stubborn.
Will they ever see... that I am a loyal friend?
...that I will always be there for those that need me to be there?
...that I am someone that would do his best in solving problems?
...that I am someone who would entertain his friends with accents and drama-mama jokes to cheer them up for the day?
...that I am someone who would listen and empathize when they are in need of someone for company?
...that I have so many other positive aspects in my character, other than my main weaknesses (i.e. anger issues, stubbornness etc).
For I only know, I am just a
potato. Scars and crannies on the outside, but white and smooth in the inside. Even if one were to
peel me, I would never know what they really feel about me. But I sincerely hope.. that they could be able to see the good in me.
I really don't know what my friends think about me, neither do I really know what my girlfriend feels about me. But I do know myself... I am not that bad after all.
Here is what I think about myself after some self-reflection:
+ I am a loyal friend and a devoted boyfriend.
+ I am good to those who are good towards me.
+ I share what I have to others and enjoy doing so.
+ I love to show others about things, which I happen to know that they do not know.
+ I am a great thinker, but that doesn't make me a bad listener also.
+ I may look worked up, unapproachable, or perhaps, tired, but that doesn't stop me from being there for my friends and girlfriend. I shouldn't be wrongly judged just because I seldom smile. That is my face. It is how I look, and it's what I'm born with. Live with it.
+ I am warm to others once there is a
talkable topic to discuss about.
+ I do not beat about the bush.
- I can be dense or insensitive at times, thus I need some straightforward but kind answer to my
cluelessness.
- I lose my temper easily when I feel threatened.
- I can be impatient.
- I am not so quick to forgive and forget, especially when the hurt I receive is a little too much to bear. It may take me almost eternity to even forgive that person completely.
- I'm not kind to my enemies and I show no mercy.
- I may appear to be controlling... well, that's because I have the urge of wanting to get some limelight for myself. Perhaps I'm insecure in this area, as I sometimes feel that I'm just not good enough for anybody. Till now, I am always striving to be the best, to have the best, and to live the best. Each time, it is never good enough I thought. I am a perfectionist as I believe that if I could be the best that I can be, I would have the favor of man.
- I am ambitious as a result, but sometimes, becoming slightly megalomaniac. And I'm afraid that people would be freaked out by the power hunger going on within me...
I'm not perfect. I am both
an angel and
a devil. I can be both good and bad, depending on the circumstances. There are times to act differently to different situations. But still, I do not want to be perceived only in the negative light.
Sometimes, I feel like the world is against me. So whenever I feel moody or in the process of an unreasonable mood swing such as this, I became withdrawn and depressed. I don't know why, but as a pure thinker, I have my emotional times as well.
I couldn't get enough of this world, but yet, I have to thank God, that I am still loved. Not just by Him, but by my dear too...
I am really happy to have found her. I would be happier if I know that the people around me appreciate me for the way I am as well.
All I ask for, is a sincere friend.
You have given me a really good girlfriend...
...will I ever see the sincerity in the hearts of the people who wants to know me, or whom I'm getting to know?Genuinity, is all I seek...
Lord.
