It's now the first day of the last month of the year 2006. Approximately 30 more days to the brand new year.

I can't wait for christmas still because it's going to be a great Christmas celebration that Squidy and I had planned to have together. Anyway, today is also our 9th month anniversary. Yes we celebrate every month but today she won't be seeing me as something happened at home for her. Haiz... this week has been quite frustrating to me. Lots of things are going on in my mind.

Partly, it's because Squidy is having the darn exam at a time like this. I hate SMU! SMU sux. And the rate she's studying right now... damn! I feel like kicking that SMU dean in his nuts! It's not only taking away my quality time from my girlfriend, it's also driving my girlfriend crazy over her studies, which she prioritizes so importantly in her life. Sometimes, I do feel that she may not love me as much as before. It may seem that her studies have caused her to think differently (in terms of how mad she has become since the opening of her school's semester)? I don't know.. seriously. And I don't want to judge or jump into a stupid conclusion without careful deduction or further conversations.

I admit - I do have my own insecurities sometimes. And one of them is that I really do need people whom I love to tell me that they love me. It'll somehow work wonders in me . I don't know why but it seems like my mechanisms are made that way since birth, I think.

A little phrase of love or TLC from my girlfriend is just so hard to achieve currently. I don't understand and I really don't understand what's going on in her mind right now.

If only she could tell me what's in her heart...

I hate conflicts, especially when I am with her. So there would be times I'd tolerate certain stuffs from her and not tell her about it. Because that would spoil the date and before I knew it, it'll be several days before we meet up again.

She doesn't call me often now, so does she ever smses me. I know she's busy. But at the same time, I'm concern about her. Is she tired? Has she lost the first love for me? I don't know.

We are always so happy when we are out together but sometimes, I do have some doubts if she really do love me. I really don't know because she doesn't tell me so. Although she has shown me in many ways, in her acts of service and in her actions that she loves me, what truly matters to me in the end is a set of sincere words of love. That, she doesn't know.

All I know right now is that God loves me. Nothing can ever change that. And as for women. They don't love me. Despite how humorous I may be, or how cocky at times, or how gentlemanly I am.. their love are always so temporal. I'm getting sick of my past and sick of people. At the end of the day I feel like God is the only person that I have left that can heal my brokeness. Pathetic isn't it? But another way to look at it: With God, anything is possible.

I no longer cry. No I can't because this jaded self in me has already been seasoned from all the hurts I'd suffered.

Talking about being tired. I'm truly the one who's feeling tired.