After all the hard work I put into my Radio blog. It's definitely demoralizing to see such a message after barely a week:

"The requested URL /radio.blog/radioblog.swf was not found on this server."

I don't know what happened to my FTP domain or to Radioblog itself. It's been several days now and my Radioblog is still missing!!! ARGH!!! Super frustrating lah..

Anyway, I'm taking illegal break from my three-quater-finished Comms essay, which is supposed to be dued tomorrow. And honestly, I still do not know why am I writing that essay. It's a really challenging topic about fandom, which is pretty much theoretical and point based. It's just not my cup of tea probably I'm a "passive" fan of K-pop. *shrug* My friend writes fan-fiction, my girlfriend attends Jay Chou's concerts like any other aficionados out there and I'm a member of a forum filled with k-pop fanatics who share mp3s, videos and even write k-pop fan-fiction! I wonder how they do that. Such active fandom community makes me feel inappropriate to write such an essay when I'm just a "normal" fan of k-pop. How IRONIC!

My life's filled with irony these days, which got me to really wonder if this is a signal from above. Maybe I was too confident; maybe I was too distracted to realize certain truth; or maybe, I am such an unreasonable perfectionist like what somebody (not mentioning names here) suggests about me. I know I am a perfectionist at times, no doubt about that, 'cos I've always wanted the best for myself. However, this "virtue" of mine has certain disgusting side effects, which may pull me away from the crowd of reliable friends, not mentioning God.

I just hope that God will change me like how I pray every night. It's just a matter of time before I realize that not eveything is perfect or at least, perfect according to my expectations. I guess it's time for me to learn things the hard way, by acknowledging the fact that my personal expectations of myself are too high. And yes, I agree that God wants all of us to excel in the things we do, but am I stressing myself out? I don't know. Maybe. Tell you a "secret" - I want to get distinctions for all my units this semester.

Okay, it's no longer a secret, but an astonishing news. To those who know me well enough, I was never like this. I have never wanted to step over the edge and challenge myself like what is happening now. I once believed in doing my best but never did. My life in Nanyang Polytechnic was a very good example of how a slacker managed to slack hard for his studies and ended up with pathetic results. Was I discouraged? Of course I was. But I've never given up.

Another life example was during my BMT course in the Army, when getting over and done with it is all that mattered to me - not a good posting to OCS nor getting the best trainee award. I slacked my way through. Another reason is also due to my unusual fear of filth, all thanks to a very good life I lead as a civilian.

As you can see, all these are examples of why I've not succeeded. A very immediate turn of event happened in my life that cost me pain and sufferings, as well as 156 needles, made me a different person altogether. But this lesson have not taught me how to grow out of my comfort zone. I wanted to succeed but I'm not putting in my all. It's a very contradicting belief system I adopted indeed.

I did not realize how hardworking I became till I met the love of my life more than half a year ago. She has been very encouraging and never failed to be there for me when I faced certain difficulties. And we've been through a little bit of rain and sunshine together. It was being with her that I realized my potential I have for certain things. Not only that, I've become more hardworking because she herself is one hardworking person.

And I just couldn't forget the words she once told me before my matriculation to Monash University. She said that the purpose I matriculate is to get distinctions, not just credits and definitely not anything below them. If it is your purpose of getting anything below them, then it is way better that you do not matriculate at all. I was so impacted by those challenging words and from then on, I told myself that, I should work hard, not for the sake of pleasing my girlfriend; or proving to myself; or boasting to others. But I realized, day by day, that I'm doing this for a vision I have and also, to glorify God with my good grades.

Since then till now, I have no idea why the expectations i have for myself are getting way out of hand. Probably it's because of my over-confidence? Or is it because of my lack of awareness regarding where I actually stand? Or is it that I'm stressed out? Or maybe I'm too busy with my assignments these days that I failed to hear the Word or take the time to self-reflect? I'm still wondering though...

But despite all these, the reason that got me stepping out of my confort zone and doing something for my future has got to be the woman I love most in my life. Thank you darling. You have made me a better person than I was before. Being with you has got to be the happiest thing that could ever happen to me. God loves you, and I love you, very very much.